I'm on day four of a battle with: the common cold.
Which, I'm not ashamed to say, SUCKS. After thirty-hmmmpphh-odd years of getting colds, they never get easier-- which is a funny thing, because they're not so difficult that you can't get on with your normal life. You're not in a hospital bed or worse-- you're just... less... of yourself. And if you had the energy to be infuriated with yourself for catching a cold, you would be. But really? I can't bother.
Earlier today, I uttered some words to a friend/colleague that I've been thinking about all day. It was one of those situations where I didn't know that I felt this way until I said it. It wasn't anything as important as, oh say, "be the change you wish to see in the world," but it was still kind of earth shattering to me that I said it out loud, unprovoked-ly...
I just want to work on cool projects. Not for any glory, just for myself. For my own personal CV.
See, nothing groundbreaking there. Except for the subtext, which is that I have a yearning to produce something. I've been flirting, perhaps, with a little existential depression lately-- but this is a sign that I might run the other way, I might avoid the horror of "none of this means anything" and instead embrace the freedom of "none of this means anything, therefore anything can mean everything."
A couple posts back I mentioned the fact that one of the things central to my life is having a hard time of letting go of moments (specifically, I believe, the Raggedy Ann & Andy show-- among other things) that mean a lot to me. This fall, I think I'll be facing up to that fear and trying to force myself to have a million moments that I don't want to let go of. Not that I'll get used to it. And not that practice will make perfect, for once. A lot of people and pop-psychologists talk a lot of shit about taking risks, about pushing yourself to try, regardless of your fear of failure.
They never talk about the fear of success.
