Yep, it's fall. Irrevocably. I am usually sort of happy about the change in seasons, but this year-- I dunno, I feel scared of it. Of time passing. Of memories slipping through my fingers. Of trying to hold on to things. I think because right now, the sun is still shining through my front window-- acting brave and strong even though I know its waning, it runs away faster than it did a month ago, a week ago, yesterday... When the rains come, I'll kick into survival mode and will no longer have this crazy sentimentality that I'm both trying to protect and simultaneously destroy. I'm just in this in-between, this nether-land where I've left something amazing behind and am transitioning to something ahead. This might be my only chance to breathe for a while-- I should probably take it.
I've been daring myself to have a really good cry for quite some time... even encouraged a group of friends to start watching Six Feet Under-- which, if you didn't know, is the ultimate tool in forcing one's self to have a really good cry. Watched a couple episodes with them. I'll bawl as if I'm watching them for the first time, but I'll be watching them with a bunch of people I love, and that will make it better. And worse.
This year has been pretty fucking good to me so far. I don't want to be selfish, but I do want to be honest: I miss all the awesome stuff that has happened to me. I want to exist in this hyper-real state where amazing and exciting things just come crashing at me and I handle them all, experience them all, feel them all. (yes, there is irony in me wishing for a bunch of shit to come crashing at me as we are just on the eve of Cover Your Hearts and I'm about to get my wish)... I made a lot of the stuff happen myself, so it stands to reason that I might be able to make more of it, but what if I can't? And the awesome stuff that other people did for me? Well... thank you so fucking much. Each one of you. I just don't feel like I *can* top this year, but at the same time-- I HAVE TO.
I HAVE to top this year. Next year my personal METRICS have to exceed this year's! BIGGER! FASTER! MORE PRODUCTIVE...
I wish a blanket of snow would come right now, cover me, cover the city, stop everything for a minute. Stop my brain for a minute. Stop my heart for a second. I just need one second of peace.
