Since I sobered up from New Year's, I have been the opposite of happy. The opposite of enthusiastic. The opposite of optimistic. Yet, definitely not the opposite of #ILOVELIFE... Unless the opposite of #ILOVELIFE is #YOUHATEDEATH -- which may or be not be true; I'm in no way qualified to make that claim on your behalf. So you tell me...
It's possible that I feel this way every year at this time-- my band typically exists in a ball of stress until after our big Valentine's Day show is over. This year is no different-- but there are additional stressors in my life, working against me. I don't want to give them an inch, but its a tug-of-war; everytime I gain an inch on my side, feels--feels like I lose two inches to the dark side. The chaos of getting the show coordinated sucks out my brain; the stress of coordinating songs and rehearsals with the supergroup sucks out my heart. I feel in previous years that I fought this feeling (REO speedwagon, anyone?!) up until the end, but this year I'm starting off in the dumps. Awe*some.
I feel as though I just need one person to look up to-- someone in my circle who is doing & being as I want to do & be; someone to show me that it's possible, that it's okay. It's going to be okay. I want to see a track full of hurdles before me that lights me up because I know I'm going to jump those mutherfuckers. Today, I'm staring at the track from the sidelines, wearing Nike & Adidas (hey, I'm a hometown kinda girl), waiting to psych myself UP. Waiting to be inspired. Waiting to be motivated. Waiting. There is a Godot joke to be made here-- an unfunny Godot joke. There's NO one to look to; I don't know anyone who is doing & being what I want to do & be; so it falls to me... what is more cruel than reality?
I'll delete this in a day, when my mood swings up and I no longer want to be reminded of this. I'd thank myself for listening, but it'd be a waste of e-breath. ;)
